He’s Gone Away


space

Pacific sunset by Timm O’Cobhthaigh (d. 4/18/2008)

space

Some songs linger like a dinner guest who keeps you up past midnight, overstaying their welcome like a country mile. Who hasn’t had some inane ditty cloying their ear for hours, caught in a feedback loop that will drive you insane? One such ditty that’s been driving me nuts of late is George Constanza’s version of “Believe it or Not (I’m Walking on Air)” which he sang into his telephone recorder in “The Susie Episode” of Seinfeld. The episode aired on Feb. 13, 1997, yet plays on in eternal syndication:

Believe it or not, George isn’t at home.
Please leave a message at the beep.
I must be out, or I’d pick up the phone.
Where could I be?
Believe it or not, I’m not home!

Funny every time I see it, but the stickiness a song you didn’t mean to hold on to can make you feel sick. The three hundredth repeat of “Believe it or not, George isn’t at home” begins to tale on the bad-trip affect of “Helter Skelter” with similar fusting of the temperament. Where could George be? The question won’t stop repeating itself, a decade after he had any fresh life on TV.

space

space

Other songs we invite into our ears and savor the way they haunt us, growing a strange garden of sound we tend achingly because they have strange affinities with something in our heart, or something there we’ve lost. These songs provide a deep mood for the day. They’re like a ghost who comes out each night to stand by a well for reasons we’ll never know. A song can have a long history, taken up by many voices over the generations, coming to our ears with only the distance traveled in their resonance and ennui.

“He’s Gone Away,” by Pat Metheny and Charlie Haden, has become such a song in my ear of late. It’s from their 1996 collaboration Beyond the Missouri Sky. (See the end of this post for a link to this song.)

Bassist Haden remembered his mother singing “He’s Gone Away” in their Haden family radio show in the 1940’s, under the older name of the traditional folk song “The Railroad Man:”

I’m goin’ away for to stay a little while,
But I’m comin’ back if I go ten thousand miles.
Oh, who will tie your shoes ?
And who will glove your hands?
And who will kiss your ruby lips when I am gone?

Oh, it’s pappy’ll tie my shoes,
And mammy’ll glove my hands,
And you will kiss mg ruby lips when you come back!

Oh, he’s gone, he’s gone away,
For to stay a little while;
But he’s comin’ back if he goes ten thousand miles.

The singer “He’s Gone Away” is the wife or lover of a railroad man-any guy who’s work takes him far from home, really–and the song is heavy with the knowledge of that distance and its peril, crossed by the heart’s faith that love always comes home.

It’s an immigrant song if you think about it, sung in the voice of the soul that’s left behind, to tend the fires for long years waiting for love to return and stay for good. It’s also a song for wives whose husbands work in dangerous trade.  “He’s Gone Away” carries the brutal fact that many husbands and lovers do not return from their work day-rail men, sailors, soldiers, drivers, cops, miners, even commuters.

space

Commuting home through Apopka, FL, 5/2005. I’ve made the same 50-mile circuit on the Orange Blossom Trail for 14 years now.

“He’s Gone Away” as performed by Haden and Metheny is purely instrumental – purely on the bass and guitar which developed and elaborated and formed the long roads of their careers, separate for decades until they decided they both wanted a way of coming home.

Pat Metheny writes about his collaboration with Haden:

Missouri. For me, as a kid growing up there, it was a place to dream. A place to sit out in the backyard and consider the possibilities of life and music while practicing as many hours as I could stay awake, staring out into those vast, midwestern spaces. But as much as I loved it there, it was also filled with a restlessness and curiosity about the whole world that I knew existed beyond that Missouri sky.

Charlie and I both grew up in small towns in Missouri, me in Lee’s Summit, and Charlie, about 18 years earlier, down in Forsyth, about 100 miles due south, off highway 71. Whether or not that coincidence of geography has played a part n the rapport that Charlie and I have developed in our years of playing together, I don’t really know. But I do know that we share a lot of the same aspirations about what music can be, and especially the open attitude and curiosity that I believe we’ve both retained from growing up as musicians who filled the hours of our formative years dreaming about music out there in the heartland of America.

space

space

Like the rest of the songs on Beyond the Missouri Sky, “He’s Gone Away” is heavy with memory, a moment in the present which manages to gather up the fullness of the past – not only a personal one (think of Pat Metheny as a boy playing his guitar in a Missouri back yard, wondering how his far his music will take him) —  but a collective one, as the traditional folk song which has on its uppermost layer a Depression-era song about working the railroads and travels back and  down from there, picking up pieces of other migrant work, and immigrant songs, and love songs from a homeland lost long ago.

And when I hear “He’s Gone Away,” the yearning these two musician created in the hallows of that song offers me a space, too, to remember, to feel a depth, to yearn and grieve and believe.

space

“Coastal Sunset,” Timm O’Cobthaigh.s

p

spaace

* * *

space

I don’t know why it took me till now to get a hold of Beyond the Missouri Sky; the album’s been around for nearly 14 years. I used to be a big Pat Metheny fan and then drifted off, drawn to by his keyboardist Lyle Mays, who in turn led me to Bill Evans, possible the most lyrical, romantic, evansescent jazz pianist of our age.

When I inherited my younger brother’s laptop after he died a of couple years ago, I discovered, by perusing his iTunes library, that he, too, was a Pat Metheny fan. The last songs he played on his iTunes that day was Metheny’s As Witchita Falls, So Falls Witchita album, an album I spun endlessly back in 1981 when it came out. One of the songs on that album is “September Fifteenth,” which turns out to be a tribute to Bill Evans written by Lyle Mays, Evans having died on that day in 1980. (If you want see a video of the performance of this song by Metheny and Lyle Mays, see the end of this post)

space

Bill Evans performing with his trio at the Gouvy Jazz Festival in Gouvy, Belgium, on August 3, 1980 – six weeks before he died.

Moody, sad, with Metheny’s acoustic guitar slow and deep and soulful, accompanied by Mays on acoustic piano: It affected me most deeply back in 1981 as I was recovering from a busted-up relationship. My brother, ironically, was recovering at that time from a near-fatal car accident – he died on the operating table but was brought back, at 18, to live another 26 years.

space

Timm in 1981 near Jasckson Hole, Wyoming, soon after he’d been released from the hospital after nearly being killed when he was thrown  from the back of  a VW bug that had been hit from behind by a speeding pickup truck. He was 18 at the time.

“September Fifteenth”” was one of the last songs my brother listened to on April 18, 2008, the day he had his fatal heart attack. According to his girlfriend at the time, he was probably at Starbucks near his job, sipping on a Café Americano and checking things out online, making plans for their weekend and listening to the tracks. I see my brother there, about a usual day that had a catastrophic end to it, none of that yet visible to him. I listen to “He’s Gone Away” and see him, in my mind’s eye, logging off and heading out the door into the blinding spring light of eternity.

space

* * *

space

Rusty Wallace goes airbone at Talladega in 1993.

Rusty Wallace got into some awful wrecks during his NASCAR career. The first big one was in 1983, when he barrel-rolled out of turn 2 at Daytona. “I shook that off as a weird deal and it wouldn’t happen again the rest of my life,” he says. But it did, and twice in 1993 (when Wallace had 10 wins), with his car going airborne at both Daytona and Talladega.

Wallace, who won the 1989 NASCAR Cup Series championship, laughs off those accidents. But it was another thing last weekend when he watched his youngest son Steve get caught in 4-wide traffic coming out of Turn 3 of the Nashville 300 Nationwide Series race on April 3 and plow head-on into the wall, completely destroying the car.

space

Steve Wallace wrecks in the Nashville 300 on April 3.

Rusty, who normally covers the events for ESPN, was off that weekend, but he was there to watch his son race, and when he saw the wreck, his heart sunk in his chest.

“I haven’t told anybody this, but when I saw that car hit the wall, it reminded me identical to Dale Earnhardt’s crash,” Wallace said. (Wallace’s car was right behind Earnhardt’s coming out of Turn 3 of the final lap of the 2001 Daytona 500 when the No. 3 Chevrolet suddenly swung down and made contact with Sterling Martin, causing Earnhardt to turn sharply to the left and then right, up into the wall for the fatal hit.) “Steven’s car hung a dead right and hit the wall head on.

“It broke the water pump off it and the oiling system. It put the tires back into the firewall. It really scared me because it was a huge, huge hit, head on at 160 miles per hour.”

(source: Godwin Kelly, Daytona Beach News-Journal “Rusty feeling wrecks again watching son race” April 7, 2010)

Fortunately for Steve Wallace – and his father Rusty – the son only suffered a broken foot from the wreck. The 2001 Earnhardt wreck killed the seven-time NASCAR upon impact. While Michael Waltrip raced past to claim the checkered flag to claim his first victory, teammate Dale Earnhardt Jr. was close behind.

Son and father, father and son: The drama of Dale Earnhardt’s death is ten years old now, but like the cars which go around and round on great oval tracks, the pathos of it never leaves.

And let us not forget the wives and girlfriends who watch the races tensely from the pits. Many remember the warm embrace Dale Earnhardt gave his wife Teresa before climbing into the 03 to race in the 2001 Daytona 500. Who knew it would be their last?

Steve Wallace’s wreck on April 3 reminds us all how close the edge truly is– safe car or not–between climbing out of a car at race’s finish and riding off the edge of our world and into the next. Tom Baldwin Sr., Kenny Irwin Jr., Adam Petty, Neil Bonnett, Clifford Allision, J.D. McDuffie, Rick Baldwin, Tiny Lund, Larry Smith, Fireball Roberts, Joe Weatherley, Lou Figaro – all of these drivers were killed on the track in NASCAR’s premier racing series, with Daytona International Speedway claiming the lion’s share of ghosts (11 fatalities, followed by Charlotte Motor Speedway with seven).

Steve Wallace will get back behind the wheel to race the Bashas’ Supermarkets 200 in Phoenix on April 9. (Update: he finished 30th.) Every driver who’s walked away from a bad crash has had to shake off closeness of death and challenge it once again. It’s one thing for them, but another for kids and spouses and parents watching them race. When Michael McDowell crashed during practice for the Samsung 500 in Texas in 2008, he ended up barrel-rolling eight times before coming to a stop. ” My heart stopped,” said Jami McDowell, who began dating McDowell when they were 15 years old. “It was pretty terrifying for me to watch, but Mike’s always taught me that the thing not to do in a bad situation is panic. So I tried to remain calm.”

“It’s different now when he gets in the car. I just make sure I get a hug and a kiss in there, and just say a prayer.”

space

Michael McDowell’s horrific 2008 wreck during practice for the 2008 race in Texas;   McDowell with wife Jami.

space

spasce

* * *

space

Self-portrait of  Timm hiking by the Rogue River in Oregon.

Maybe songs come when the listener is ready for them. “He’s Gone Away” from “Beyond The Missouri Sky” reminds me so much of my brother Timm, not just for the title but for its slow, low, roads-weary mood. Timm was a guitar player like I was, and he was also a wanderer, traveling away from his family of birth to make a life on the opposite coast in Oregon. I too moved West decades ago, but somehow managed to find my way back home.

Love-or lack of it-can keep us ever movin’ on. William Kennedy’s 1983 novel Ironweed (which was made into a movie in 1987 starring Jack Nichbolson) is about the hard permanence of the road when you go so far down it. Set in the Great Depression, Francis Phelan is former major-league third baseman whose talent for running translates into a compulsion for running away when he abandons his family in Albany, New York, after accidentally dropping and killing his son while he may have been drunk. Now an alcoholic vagrant, Phelan wanders the hobo camps of the Depression’s underworld, filled with self-contempt and guilt. At one point towards the story’s end, he calls on his old family – his wife hardly recognizes him – and though she has forgiven him and pleads with him to stay, Phelan cannot – he can only keep on keepin’ on down that dusty, deranged, fatal tracks, riding the cars, running from the spectre of his own heart.

space

Jack Nicholson (right) in “Ironweed.”

In the months of shock and grief after Timm’s sudden death, it wasn’t “September Fifteenth” that haunted me so much as another tune, “Forgiven” by Chris Botti, one of the most-played songs on Timm’s iTunes library. For some reason listening to “Forgiven” I felt I was getting the exact pitch of my younger brother’s feeling. It’s as song, as I contemplate what I feel listening to it, about gambling all on love and losing and finding redemption for exactly that.

Every night
All the years are passing through me
Was I wrong?
‘Cause,
When you find out
Love is blind, then it’s too late
You can’t do anything

These are the chances we take
Reasons that we can’t explain
Follow your heart everyday
Pray it’ll be forgiven

Don’t let go
Until all your days are broken
We were one
Now I’m standing
In the rain and you are gone
I gave up everything

These are the chances we take
Reasons that we can’t explain
Follow your heart everyday
Pray it’ll be forgiven

(To hear the song, see the link at the end of this post)

space

Jonatha Brooke provides the  vocal to Chris Botti’s “Forgiven.” She sounds like your own heart’s eternal longing.

“Forgiven” was all about the wronged, crazy, inept loves my younger brother attempted; fortunately, in the end he seemed to be settling down, had been dating the same woman for several years and even talked of marriage.

“Forgiven” is about living from the heart, risky business for anyone but especially for my brother, given all the damage of his past (as the youngest kid, he got lost in the shuffle, suffered sexual abuse and took our parents’ breakup especially hard.) Yet Timm survived all that – he was 16 years sober when he died, a solid member of Alcoholics Anonymous, sang in his church choir and loved photography, hoping to make a decent living as a freelance shooter. “Beauty heals” was his motto, and some of his pix had exactly the power to do that.

space

A photo of Crater Lake at the national park in southern Oregon in Summer 2007, not far from where Timm lived. Timm was especially gifted at taking photos of waterfalls and lakes, capturing somehow in them both the force and depth of the heart.

I still feel a deep hollow place in my where my younger brother used to live when I hear “Forgiven,” but somehow “He’s Gone Away” has replaced it as the lead song in my conversation with of Timm, of inspiring aching low feelings of loss and sadness, holding on to something of him  now that he’s long gone. The song is something older, more traditional; Metheny is a guitar player we both venerated, so the notes he plays on the song seem to sing to both of us, from either side of life. When I listen to “He’s Gone Away,” I feel like a beloved waiting for her man to eventually return, unwilling to believe he won’t, singing “he’s coming home” over the title of the song, over and over, in the manner that we don’t or can’t let the dead go on to their oblivion. After two years, I still don’t believe he’s gone. Surely his me-shaped frame will some through that door, with his goofy smile, apologizing for the ruse which has sent us all through such a vicious loop.

space

Timm and I as guitar players, back in the day (both pix are from the 80s and were taken at diferent times by our mother. In all the years, Timm and I only played together a couple of times — it was difficult, like playing with a skewed version of yourself . Yet the duet continues, all the more so now.

space

* * *

space

There is something hopeless and lost about the unaccounted, unfound dead. Something in us needs to see our beloved in order to say a proper goodbye. On April 8, police told the parents of Jennifer Kesse that they have no more leads to follow up on the young woman’s disappearance four years ago. The family vows to search on their own and not give up until Jennifer is found – dead or alive.

“Closure is everything,” Drew Kesse, Jennifer’s father, said. “To be in limbo, you can’t even call it hell. There’s not even a word for it.”

The family maintains a Web site, jenniferkesse.com. A reward of as much as $15,000 is being offered. The Kesses intend to do what they can to find Jennifer, even if that means locating fragments of her body.

space

space

Mother Drew Kesse said finding and prosecuting the person responsible for her disappearance isn’t important. “I want my daughter to be found in any way, shape or form so my family can celebrate her and move on,” she said. “You can’t move on until you have answers.”

About 2,300 Americans are reported missing every day-in 2010 more than 1,000,000 missing persons will be registered-yet as of December 1, 2007, only 105,299 missing person cases were considered “active.” The same year, only 15 percent of the missing persons cases were resolved.

It’s estimated that ten percent of missing persons cases never return home.

There are a lot of reasons why people are lost. About half of the roughly 800,000 missing juvenile cases in 2001 involved runaways, and another 200,000 were classified as family abductions related to domestic or custody disputes. Among missing adults, about one-sixth have psychiatric problems. Young men, people with drug or alcohol addictions and elderly citizens suffering from dementia make up other significant subgroups of missing adults.

But there are no good ones why so many are never found. Forgotten, stranded, ill, captured, institutionalized, dead — or simply moved on, never looking back – none of these provide ground to stand on for those left behind.

space

A picture Jennifer Kesse’s purse, which disappeared with Jennifer on January 24, 2006. Her family posted the picture in the hopes that finding it might lead to Jennifer or her remains.

space

* * *

space

No closure. There’s something about lack of enough finality which keeps us from being able to get beyond living in that loss.

But I think those people who think they can’t go on for lack of closure  are mistaken. I know what happened to my brother. I have copies of reports from the doctor he was seeing in his final months, and all of the records from Salem Hospital where he was taken after calling 911. He’d been out running on the evening of April 17. It was spring in Salem and beautiful, unseasonably warm. Everything was blooming. He’d had some difficulty with blood pressure in recent years but shrugged it off. In January, while out running, he’d felt something catch in his chest; he had described it to a doctor as if a “hole” had been cut into his lung. His doctor–actually an osteopath–thought it might have allergies and prescribed Singular. A chest CAT scan was scheduled in March, but Timm cancelled the appointment because he was feeling better. Timm was also taking Ritalin for attention problems from his car accident 28 years before. He may have been taking a lot of Ritalin, since he lost a lot of weight in his last year.

When Timm got back from his run he started having chest pains and difficulty breathing. He toughed it out for four hours (not even mentioning his difficulty when he talked that night with his best friend Ken briefly on his cell phone) before calling an ambulance. He wasn’t in bad shape when the EMTs arrived, but en route to the hospital he went into cardiac arrest and lost consciousness. Defibrillation paddles were applied twice; by the time he reached the hospital he was semi-conscious and could talk in incomplete sentences. A chest x-ray was ordered that suggested he may have had a form of pneumonia (so that original doctor may have been right). They also showed that a clot had massed in his anterior descending artery. Artery-reopening stents were injected into his femoral artery and the clot was largely dispelled, but there was damage to the anterior wall of Timm’s heart that couldn’t be repaired. Timm’s vitals kept failing and twice he went into Code Blue. The defrib paddles were applied a dozen more times and an attempt was made to insert an angioplasty balloon to reinforce the stents in the anterior descending artery: But by them Timm’s vitals were so low that no further attempts were made to revive him. My brother was declared dead at 2:55 a.m. Friday, April 18, 2008.

space

A self-portrait of Timm from 2003, which he used on a Christmas card sent to family members living all over the opposite coast. No doubt how and where he died–but that doesn’t mean there’s closure. Images and songs still  haunt.

I know how Timm died. I have enough reportage to visualize it clearly. But the only closure I feel is the slow deadening of pain over time, as my memory of his living presence slowly fades into oblivion. But knowing does not allow closure. Not when I think of him alone on a gurney in a hospital ER, thrashing some at the restraints for a moment and then going so very still. I saw his body a couple days later at the viewing; just his head and neck were showing above a blanket since all of his organs had been harvested. I touched his fine grey hair, cupped the curve of his head, ran my fingers over his cool face. I got my chance to say goodbye; alone with him, I cried and apologized for having been a lousy, indifferent brother to him. As a too-late-amends, I promised to care for his photos and writings and make his life known to others on a memorial site.

I’ve done all of those things, but I do not have closure. I hear “He’s Gone Away” and I can almost feel his breath over my shoulder, his body so close to mine I know its there right behind me. I don’t want closure. I want to hold on to him for as long as I can, like a roadside memorial which is faithfully tended for years, long after most fall into neglect and disappear.

I’m not sure that beauty so much heals as makes the heart evident, for all of its wounds and happiness, a bittersweet savor which makes “He’s Gone Away” so anthemic in my ear, as if I’ll hear my brother’s voice – so much like my own that I startled the shit out his girlfriend, calling to her in the church parking lot before the memorial service out in Oregon — flowing forever there.

space

Timm was especially gifted at taking pictures of waterfalls. Or simply he loved them, because there are dozens of waterfall pictures in his archives.

space

* * *

space

“The Cold Sea’s Embrace” by Patrick O’Hearn is another tune I found in the iTunes library on my dead brother’s laptop, and it works hard into my theme. The song is from O’Hearn’s 2001 album “So Flows the Current,” and if there is ever a musical setting for death at sea, this is it. (There’s a link to the track at the end of this post)

space

Patrick O’Hearn and the cold, cold sea.

In a 2001 poem, I imagined all of that great abyss spread for miles beneath one’s feet in “The wreck of the Indianapolis”

Two torpedoes
struck us amidships
and then we were
in the water,
800 orphans
thrown to the ocean
like a thimble of fates.

Days we prayed for
cool nights, nights we
cursed our icy beds.
The sky empty and
wild, a gate for souls
opening from below.

On the second day
the sharks found us
and fed with impunity.
One guy a few yards
from me was dragged
down in a churn
of bubbles. He floated
back up a few minutes
later, freed of his guts,

his eyes dreaming
white horizons.

On the third day
only 300 of us were left.
Man, I was ready
to let go of the clinging,
just ladder on down
that mile or two
of black falling.

A plane approached in
the sky. Some swam
toward it, others
let go right then,
winnowed from us
by some invisible calm.

I survived the wreck
of the Indianopolis,
one of the last pulled
that day from death’s drink.
Every night for
60 years I’ve gone
to sleep falling back
into that sea’s dark mouth,
ready at last to begin.

space

The USS Indianapolis. On July 30, 1945, shortly after delivering critical parts for the first atomic bomb used combat to the U.S. air base at Tinian, the Indianapolis was torpedoed by a Japanese submarine. inking in 12 minutes. Of 1,196 crew aboard, approximately 300 went down with the ship. The remaining crew of 800 faced exposure, dehydration and shark attacks as they waited for assistance while floating with few lifeboats and almost no food or water. The Navy learned of the sinking when survivors were spotted four days later by the crew of a PV-1 Ventura on routine patrol. Only 316 sailors survived. The Indianapolis was one of the last U.S. ships sunk in the war.

There are some 2 million shipwrecks at the bottom of the seven seas. The abyss is populated with our dead, or some remnant of them (nothing but shoes now scattered around the wreck of the Titanic). As a kid my imagination was enthralled and horrified by the notion of drifting miles downward into the sea’s cold embrace: no hope of rescue, no salvation by man or God, simply the descent, become a shrinking shadow in an immensity of darkness, the sea itself become a dimming sky.

Sometimes the sea remits part of her immense receipt. On March 19, the body of a boy washed up on a remote shore near Tacoma, Washington, and was identified as 8-year old Azriel Carver, who disappeared along with his 29-year old mother Shantina Smiley the week before. So far, the sea has kept the mother. In February 2008, the semi-naked body of a 15-year-old British schoolgirl was found lying face down in the waves on a popular tourist beach in Goa, India. She had been plied with drugs, raped and then left in the shallow water to drown by two local men.

space

space

British schoolgirl Scarlett Keeling’s drugged and violated body washed up on the shore of a beach in Goa, India.

space

* * *

space

Debris from the Space Shuttle Challenger, which exploded soon after launch in January 1996, still washes up on the beaches of Brevard County, FL.

space

This barnacle-encrusted piece of the Challenger’s left wing washed up on Cocoa Beach in 2007. It’s reckoned that about 55 percent of the Challenger and five percent of the cabin crew are still laying on the ocean floor.

“It brings things back,” said Bruce Jarvis of these occasional beachings. Jarvis is the father of astronaut Gregory Jarvis who died in the accident. “It’s like having a bad wound and you’ve got a scab. It’s like somebody picking at the scab.” Marvin Resnick, father of Challenger Judith Resnick, said the discovery brought back painful memories. But he said: “It doesn’t cause me heartache as much as it did. You never forget it, but you don’t let it rule your whole life.”

space

space

* * *

space

Liken the cold sea’s embrace to the viscous placenta of grief attending the community of Montcoal, West Virigina. On Monday afternoon, April 5, the mine, which had been repeatedly cited for improperly venting methane gas, exploded during a shift change, killing 25 people in the country’s deadliest underground disaster in a quarter-century. Survivors described their shirts being blown off by the force of the blast, which turned rail lines and heavy equipment into bent and twisted wreckage that one survivor said looked like pretzels. Four miners were unaccounted for and rescue attempts so far have been foiled by the overwhelming presence of methane gas in the chambers below. The mine had been cited been cited for 1,342 safety violations since 2005, but without a union, workers have had little power to get the company to address the problems.

One member of that community, Edith Willingham, started to worry early. It was just after 5 p.m. on Monday and her husband, Benny, had not called on his way home from the mines, as he always did.

Immediately suspecting the worst, Ms. Willingham turned on the news.

“This is what every coal miner’s wife fears,” said Linda Neal, a family friend sitting beside Ms. Willingham on Tuesday morning. “You see them go to work, and then they are gone.”

space

* * *

space

On Wednesday night, residents of Cabin Creek, West Virigina, gathered in a little league playing field to hold a candlelight vigil for the souls of Timmy Davis, Sr. and his two nephews Cory Davis and Josh Napper. All three were killed in the explosion Monday at the Upper Big Branch Mine and were among the first of the 25 killed to be identified. West Virginia governor Joe Manchin and his wife Gayle were there for the vigil and  spoke to the crowd. “God has a plan,” the Governor said. “We’re not able to help write that script or be part of that plan, but I guarantee you He has a plan for us, and you have to believe.”

space

Cindy Davis, the mother of deceased coal miner Cory Davis, is greeted by members of the community Wednesday, April 7, 2010 at a candlelight vigil in Cabin Creek, W.Va. Davis also lost a brother-in-law Timmy Davis Sr. and nephew Josh Napper who were among the 25 miners killed on Monday at an explosion at Massey Energy’s Upper Big Branch Coal Mine in Montcoal, W.Va. (Photo: Getty Images)

Coal mining has always been hazardous; the list of disasters goes on for a long country mile. Plenty can go wrong: there are mine wall failures and vehicle collisions; workers can suffocate from gas poisoning and succumb to roof collapse and gas explosions. Firedamp explosions can trigger the much more dangerous coal dust explosions, which can engulf an entire pit. While most of these risks can be greatly reduced in modern mines, mining operations remain worker-unfriendly and union-busting activities by the corporations have left miners vulnerable to accidents like the one at Montcoal.

Things were a lot worse here in the past.  In 1907 there were 8 coal mine disasters, including  history’s worst — the Monongah, WV coal mine explosion, which claimed 362 lives and impelled Congress to created the Bureau of Mines. In 1909 there were 20 separate disasters, including the Cherry Mine fire in Illinois, which claimed 259 miners; the Stag Canyon No. 2 mine explosion in Dawson, New Mexico killed 263 in 1913.

Many innovations since have made mining much safer, yet still the chances of a miner getting killed in a mine accident is about the same as that of one of us dying in a car accident.

Because mining is so dangerous and difficult, miners are a hard lot, often driven to their profession because there’s little other good paying work around. Coal miners, on average, made more than $23 an hour, or about $1,140 per week, in 2008, the last year for which the federal Bureau of Labor Statistics has published data. That compares with an average wage in Raleigh County, W.Va., of $687 a week.

In 2008, according to public filings, Massey Energy CEO Don Blankenship was paid $11.2 million in salary, bonuses and other benefits, up from $5.3 million in 2006.

Miners themselves have to maintain a certain attitude about their jobs. Mining is an adventure-filled job, they say, different on every shift. The crews are fraternities whose members watch out for one another even as they tease and play pranks, like greasing the controls of a piece of machinery when the operator is not looking. Joking aside, a certain amount of rationalization is required before one can spend each day embedded in a mountain of rock, chipping away at it from the inside. Accidents can happen on any job, some miners say. Others say their lives are in God’s hands. Still others simply push thoughts of danger to the back of their mind.

space

Legless former coal miner.

For loved ones back home, keeping a good attitude is more difficult. Stephanie Pennington of Raleigh County, West Virgina is quick to acknowledge that her family lives well, with a three-bedroom home and a 2007 Dodge Durango, its rear window studded with decals of a pick and shovel, a crawling man with a headlamp, and the legend “WV Coal Miner’s Wife.”

space

Stephanie Penningon.

But each night when her husband, Robert Shawn Pennington, leaves for the night shift at the ICG Beckley coal mine, she gathers her three children to pray. “I don’t sleep until I hear that key in the door every morning,” Ms. Pennington, 29, said. For her family, the anxiety spans the generations. Mr. Pennington’s father was crushed to death in the old Beckley mine while his mother was six weeks pregnant with him.

“Coal Miner’s Daughter,” Loretta Lynn’s country hit, tells the story of her life growing up “in a cabin on a hill in Butcher Holler”, while her father, Melvin “Ted” Webb, worked all night in the Van Lear coal mine. The song depicts the real story of Lynn’s life growing up in rural Kentucky, and discusses how she and her seven siblings lived off of a coal miner’s salary (“Daddy loved and raised eight kids on a miner’s pay”), and that her father always made sure there was love in the Webb household.

… Daddy loved and raised eight kids on a coal miner’s pay
Mama scrubbed our clothes on a washboard every day
I’ve seen her fingers bleed
To complain there was no need
She’d smile in Mama’s understanding way

In the summertime we didn’t have shoes to wear
But in the wintertime we’d all get a brand new pair
From a mail-order catalogue, money made by selling a hog
Daddy always seemed to get the money somewhere

I’m proud to be a coal miner’s daughter
I remember well, the well where I drew water
The work we done was hard
At night we’d sleep, cause we were tired
I never thought I’d ever leave Butcher Holler

Well a lot of things have changed, since way back when
And it’s so good to be back home again
Not much left but the floor
Nothing lives here anymore
Just a memory of a coal miner’s daughter

space

Loretta Lynn and her childhood home in Butcher Holler, West Virginia.

The song made it up to No. 1 on Billboard Hot Country Singles list for a week in December 1970. Memory may still have been fresh of the Nov. 20, 1968 explosion in the Consol No. 9 mine north of Mannington, West Virginia. The explosion was large enough to be felt 12 miles away in Farmington. At the time, 99 miners were in the mine,  and 21 managed to escape, but efforts to get to the remaining 78 miners failed. With fires burning out of control below, the mine was sealed ten days later with concrete. In September of the next year, the mine was unsealed in an attempt to retrieve the bodies of the dead. Efforts continued for ten years; by April 1978, 59 of the 78 bodies had been recovered. Unable to retrieve the remaining 19, the mine was permanently sealed.

space

Fire and smoke pours from the Consol No. 9 mine in Farmington, West Virginia following an explosion on Nov. 20, 1968.

Despite tougher federal laws passed in 2006 to investigators to crack down on mines that have persistent violations, mine operators have found news ways of circumventing the law.  Throughout last year, the Montcoal mine, was cited for failing to conduct inspections that would have spotted dangerous piles of coal dust and other unsafe conditions. Massey appealed at least 37 of the 50 citations for serious safety violations that it received last year.

At a hearing in February, Representative George Miller, Democrat of California, complained that the growing number of appeals by coal companies threatened to “render the federal efforts to hold mine operators accountable meaningless.” Mining safety experts have expressed similar concerns.

One in four citations issued against coal mines are now appealed by operators – three times the appeal rate before the law, according to regulators. The result is a backlog of 18,000 pending appeals and $210 million in contested penalties.

The appeals “are also allowing miners, in some cases the worst operators, to escape liability for which they are in fact liable and continue to put miners in harm’s way,” Mr. Miller said at the hearing.

People associated with Massey Energy (owner of the Montcoal mine), and the company’s political action committee, have donated more than $300,000 to federal candidates since 1990, with 91 percent of the money going to Republicans. according to an analysis by the Center for Responsive Politics, a nonpartisan research group based in Washington.

So mine operators continue to dodge and miners continue to be devoured by the mouth of the deep dark earth. Perhaps it’s just nature’s way that the powerless are the natural fuel of the rich; or rather, it’s our human nature’s way. But let me finish this passage with an account from the son of a miner who survived the 1968 Farmingham disaster:

Both of my grandfathers worked in the coal mines. My father’s father was murdered working to help form the union. My father was about fifteen when my grandfather died. The only thing my father ever said about it was that my grandfather had been hit over the head with I believe a shovel. Something large like that and he probably had a fractured skull. He said that my grandfather was carried home. He was placed in what was called the back bedroom and he said how hard it was to be a young boy and go into the room and see his father and his father didn’t know who he was. I think my grandfather lived for probably three or four days and then he died.

My grandmother had six children which she raised all alone. My father studied at night and loaded coal cars. He was the only one I think in his family of six children who graduated from high school.

Regarding the explosion that happened in ’68, my father had been called out that morning. At that time he worked as a mechanic. He worked outside so we always felt much safer. I think he was working on one of the fans. If you are familiar with the engine system the fans pull in good air and get the bad air out. My father talked about when the mine explosion occurred he was walking away from the fan. He was probably fifty or one hundred yards away when it exploded. Flames came out through the fan and he was knocked down.

I don’t think my father was ever quite the same. I guess still lying down he looked around and he could see it. All this smoke and even flames I think. I think I know that smoke was coming out and I think he was probobly just so stunned that he laid there for a while. Wen those things happen you don’t know what to do. Everthing sort of stopped. For a year re-lived that moment of running, hearing that noise, and when he would talk about the noise… about the explosion it was just something that was incredibly loud, just a huge boom! And then the trembling. When he fell flat on the ground, he could feel the ground trembling in his chest.

I’m sure he replayed this. That he kept hearing it. He kept hearing it over and over and over and over again. Reliving it… It must have been very sad to relive something like that that’s so painful. That’s when he would cry. The tears would just come and that was very unusual because the just did not cry. My father was a very strong man. My father did not believe that men cried and men of his generation felt that way. You see it now with older men. Elderly men maybe in their 80s will tell you that men don’t cry.

It’s just not a manly thing to do, but he would relive the moment and when he would tell you about driving away hurt, running, and getting in the truck and driving away then we would start again with comming out you know and it was almost like he could see this on a tape player and it just played over and over and over. For the longest time he couldn’t get away from it. He did not go out of the house. He stayed in.

When he finally went back to work it was his salvation. My father loved working. He really did. He never would admit that but he truly did. He was a workaholic and a bit of a crumugeon. He was a grumpy man and he gradually came out of this and I think going back to work helped.

(Farmingham) was a wonderful place to grow up. I would not change a thing. Those people were very good to me and it was like having a hundred set of parents. People who genuinely celebrated each others happiness or sadness. It was just a horrible time, but you know sometimes the worst of times brings out the best in people. When awful things happen that’s when we find out what’s really important and that people are really what matters and the people that we love and sometimes don’t appreciate until they’re gone.

That’s why remembering these folks who have died is so important. They don’t die. When we talk about them and we remember them they’re not dead. They’re not just a name on a list. They belong to someone. They’re someone’s child, brother, husband. They mattered and they’re lives ended so quickly and without any notice at all. When (the) Sago (mine disaster in 2006) happened, I sent an email to their minister. I said sometimes it’s difficult for people to say I know how you feel ,but I do. I really do. I know how helpless you feel and you wonder why these things happen and why good people died.

space

* * *

space

A park in Medford, OR, taken by Timm a month before he  died.

I write this post in the mood of a song, a song which for odd reasons has a head and a tail quite different from each other. Up front, there’s a faith in “He’s Gone Away” which is akin to “Amazing Grace,” sure as God’s grace, a note which , which would be toxically ironic given its circumstance except that it rises from a heart which never gives up faith. Strangely, when I think of the song, the title “He’s Coming Home” comes first to mind, not “He’s Gone Away”: and the mood is spiritual, thick with prescient of eternal homecomings, that feeling that he is not so much coming home to us as that one day we will join him in the hills of the everlasting. “Amazing Grace” becomes “Michael, Row the Boats Ashore,” St. Michael the Ferryman of Souls bringing us all home in the end

As “He’s Gone Away” somehow merges with “He’s Coming Home” in the blurry subconscious ear where thought and feeling merge, so does the Metheny-Haden collaboration “Beyond the Missouri Sky” weirdly mixes with the title “Under the Missouri Sky.” I keep thinking the album is titled the latter, though I know it’s the other way around. Fused together, the two album titles speak the truth I’m getting at, about something gone but here, lost but found: there’s some kind of amazing grace at work here, profoundly deep and old perhaps, profoundly sad, profoundly touched by a beauty which cannot be lost.

Does grief make unseen connections between a broken and fulfilled heart? “He’s Gone Away” is similar, on the album, to the tune “The Moon is A Harsh Mistress,” a Jim Webb song that Joe Cocker played for Haden years ago. It’s all instrumental, but the lyrics to the original goes,

See her HOW she flies
Golden sails across the sky
Close enough to touch
But careful if you try
Though she looks as warm as gold
The moon’s a harsh mistress
The moon can be so cold

Once the sun did shine

And lord it felt so fine
The moon a phantom rose
Through the mountains and the pine
And then the darkness fell
The moon’s a harsh mistress
It’s hard to love her well

I fell out of her eyes
I fell out of her heart
I fell down on my face, yes I did
And I tripped and I missed my star
And I fell and fell alone
The moon’s a harsh mistress
The sky is made of stone

The moon’s a harsh mistress
She’s hard to call your own

space

Same mount where Timm sat for his self-portrait, attended now by his moon.

Hard to call your own: the moon owns its lucence no more than we do our hearts; we both derive our ignition from elsewhere – the light of the sun, the warmth of a lover’s smile, our faces reflected in her eyes.

There is magic in the moon; madness, too. The pre-Enlightenment doctor Paracelsus believed that the rays of the moon contained harmful elements in them called ens, and to be basted for too long in moonlight was to fall sway to these lead-hearted spiritual louts.

Grief is a form of mood-moon-madness. In her memoir,”The Year of Magical Thinking,” Joan Didion recounts how, when her daughter was comatose in a hospital bed, she watched her husband John Gregory Dunne suddenly die of a heart attack. “Grief when it comes, it is nothing we expect it to be,” she writes. For a period – the “year” of the title – Didion finds herself enduring an onslaught of grief’s symptoms–empty depression, assaulting waves of emotion, fear of open spaces, the terrors of post-traumatic stress disorder.

But the strangest affect of all was the power of her denial, believing that her husband had not died but was, after all, waiting for her somewhere just out of sight. She cannot throw out certain of Dunne’s shoes, clinging to the stubborn belief that he will need them. The accompanying fear is that by throwing the shoes out she really will kill him. This “magical thinking” disorder has been well-documented in the psychological literature, but no one but Didion makes it such a commanding emotional fact. Toward the end of that year, she observes, “Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it.” It is the very far coastline of human experience which borders what Hamlet called “that bourne from which no traveler returns.”

space

The Didion family in happier times – times which have the power to haunt.

Yes, the moon is a harsh mistress. So is life. So is the heart, and so is its grief.

And yet they are also indescribably beautiful, too.

Perhaps because so. “Grief makes the heart apparent as sudden happiness can,” wrote the poet Jack Gilbert, whose wife Michiko died of cancer some years ago. In a later poem, as the poet enters his ninth decade, he looks back on the Pittsburgh of his childhood as a tough miner’s metaphor for getting something done in the heart.

A Taste for Grit and Whatever

More and more it is the incidental that makes
him yearn, and he worries about that.
Why should the single railroad tracks
curving away into the bare December trees
and no houses matter? And why is it
the defeated he trusts? Is it because
Pittsburgh is still tangled in him that he
has the picture on his wall of God’s head
torn apart by jungle roots? Maybe
growing up in that brutal city left him
with a taste for grit and whatever it was
he saw in the titanic rusting steel mills.
It might be the reason he finally moved out
of Paris. Perhaps it is the scale
of those long ago winters that makes him
restless when people laugh a lot.
Why the erotic matters so much. Not as
pleasure but a way to get to something darker.
Hunting down the soul, searching out the iron
of Heaven when the work is getting done.

— from “Refusing Heaven” (2005)

space

Jack Gilbert, and a view of Pittsburgh in 1951.

It makes you wonder if a heart is better off never having been mangled by yearning and love and beauty, or if it can only sleep until it is slapped awake by next hope; if the heart is durable because it breaks, re-forming itself in the wake of grief to become something greater and deeper.

I’m not sure. Back in 2002 when I was out in Portland for a business trip, I found, in a bookstore, a copy of Scottish Sea Stories selected by Glen Murray. The penultimate tale is Christopher Rush’s “The Woman and the Waves,” and it’s a hard, hard story of a woman who grows up at the edge of the sea in a fishing community, whose heart takes full force the toll of the cold sea’s embrace.

Her father is a fisherman who “was a kind man and smelled of salt and sunlight” and who “carried the sea in his eyes.” His work was back-breaking and barely brought home enough to feed his family of wife and father and daughter and son. The mother gets pregnant and delivers a stillborn son to the waves. The grandfather is mad with religion and dies of cancer; the father takes his Bible and throws it into the harbor.

One day, the father’s boat Venus is caught in gale fishing off Kingsbams, not far from home and son and father are drowned. The girl and her mother wait for days for the bodies to wash ashore, but “no corpses came to give us that coldest of comforts.” “The sea turned over once and I had lost my father and brother. It was so simple. Yet it was the hardest thing to alter, and to bear.”

Mother and daughter now survive by working for other men, gathering mussels and mending torn nets. “Our movements were without music, joyless as the listless seaweeds waving in the surge. The sea became a weariness.” Two year later, when the girl is 19, the mother slowly died over a winter. Her last words to her daughter is that she waste no time in marrying.

One of the men holding a cord on his mother’s coffin is named John Boynter, and soon after the mother is buried he asks for her hand in marriage. On their wedding night she offers herself to her husband on their bridal bed. After they have consummated the marriage (“There was neither beauty nor pain. It was as simple as shelling a mussel”), the girl lays a long time in the darkness thinking of my father,

… still tossing somewhere on the cold green bed of the ocean bottom, hidden by the coverlets of waves that worried him in whispers. And Alan (her brother who also drowned), bone of his bone, was he still locked in his father’s last embrace? Where were they? Without knowing why, I wept in the secret darkness, and for the first time in my life I wondered what my life was.

They are married just two months when, while her husband is off fishing, a man comes to her door. “I knew the look he wore on his face. I had seen it many times before, on the faces of mothers, wives and sisters. It woven out of the waves.” The man had seen her husband fishing from the shore when a he was suddenly hauled into the sea. A line which was attached to a pot in the water got caught on the butten of his coat and hauled him in, keeping him pinned down til he was drowned. The wife goes outside to view the body, wrapped under a tarp. “His eyes were closed and his expression was white. But the tiredness was gone out of his face. I felt a deep sorrow – he was only eighteen.”

The woman was a widow for two years – working again for other men, mending herring nets -when Davy Keay comes back from a whaling voyage and sweeps her up. He asks her how much she makes working for other men. “Sixpence a day,” I said. “if I work all day at it.” He offers her an alternative, fishing from his pockets

a handful of foreign gold. the coins burned in his palm like the suns of strange countries. He had been among mermaids and monks and winters and whlales  such as I had scarecely dreamed of. I had never seen further than the lights of the Lothians across the Forth, like fallen stars at midnight. Now this man was telling me of the secrets that lay behind the horizon’s brow, and  I was telling him that I would marry him.

Their marriage is happy and woman feels fulfilled for the first time in her life, but all to soon Davy says he is going to do one last season at the whales, enough to earn enough money to pay for his own boat, and come home to stay. She watches him board the Thomas and he shouts and waves to her as the ship goes to sea.

She waits a year and a half for him. He never returns. As she finds out, the whaling voyage is a success until the ship get locked in September ice. One by one the sailors freeze to death, including Davy. The ship is ground to pieces between two icebergs on Christmas Day and sinks. A few survivors walk miles out on the ice until they come upon another ship which bear them and their sad news back to Scotland.

And for many years after that, all I thought about was the lad that had waved to me from the topsail yard, though in my dreams about that stilled young heart, lying so many frozen fathoms deep in the Polar seas, the iceberg the only monument that lay upon his grave. And my heart would grow cold for sorrow.

When she turns thirty she marries a captain ten years her senior and bears him six children. Five of those die in infancy. The surviving son is named David and grows up to sail with his father, only to to drown with him, their boat caught in a sudden gale along with the rest of the fleet. All the boats except her husband’s, The Helen, make it to shore. Then they see the Helen coming in and a shout goes up from the women whose loves are on board that ship.

But even as we shouted we saw the white forest that was flowering around her stern. Over the gunwhales it grew, and over the dark figures huddled on board.

Then there was nothing.

The white forest had withered and the figures were somewhere beneath its ruin, tight in the clutch of those unseen roots that wind to the sea’s bottom. A long cry went up from the shore.

It was the oldest cry in the world.

The bodies were long in coming to the shore.”

For the next ten years, the woman works with the fisher girls, cutting fish.

“That was ten years of cut hands and freezing feet, the gutting troughs by day and a hard cold bed by night. The young girls beside me lay and dreamed of their fisher lads, and marriages in the morning. I reached out my arms to the darkness. There was hunger in my belly and rain in my hair. But I did not know what else to do.

Now seventy, she is nearly blind and her hands are so crippled that she cuts them more often than the fish.

Some summers I walk to th silent green breaker of the graveyard. Winter turns it to a white frozen wave. But I am still waiting for the winter that will take me there, to lie beside my children.

Why am I so old?

At nights I dream of those other folk of mine that lie hidden in the sea. There are whelks  on their hands and seaweeds in their hair. And the cold green fingers of the waves strum over their bones.

Or I hirple down to the pier and look over the harbour wall. I stand there for hours sometimes, thinking of their bonny heads still tossing with the turning tangles, out there somewhere. Sometimes I see them.

All I have loved is turned to coral and to kirkyard clay. Ay, the weariness of time and sea! They have taken from me everything I had, and left me an old empty shell. And yet, time and the sea are all I have ever known.

Death, as I approach it, is the wash of the waves inside my skull.

space

space

* * *

space

Does such a story make the heart apparent? Later on the day that I bought that book I had dinner with Timm, feasting on salmon and oysters at a swank fish-house in downtown Portland on my company’s dime. We talked for hours that night, over dinner and then walking for a long while along the Willamette River in the last of that September day’s night, walking and talking, identicals of body and voice yet of disparate histories, with varying vantage on the mysteries of the heart. It was one of the few times I saw Timm over the last two decades of his life: we spent most of our adult histories apart: yet each time we flowed back into the conversation comfortably, resuming a relationship which didn’t seem to need much presence to be present in the heart. I think now of those wonderful salmon we ate that night, flown in on packed ice from the North Sea, harvested by fishermen who were far, that moment, from home, carrying on a conversation with their beloveds as they hauled on freezing nets on a boat that was rocking and pitching, straining to survive the sea’s cold embrace.

space

A photo by Timm of Portland at night.

space

* * *

space

Dale Earnhardt with son Dale Jr. before the start of the Daytona 500.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. was just a couple of hundred yards ahead of his father in the closing moments of the 2001 Daytona 500. “You’re doing quick glances at the mirror-I saw smoke and cars crashing,” he told a Playboy Magazine interviewer several months after the crash. “Then the race ends and I’m excited. ‘Man, I finished second in the Daytona 500!’ Even though he crashed, my father was going to be happy about that. I went looking for him, but he wasn’t at the care center. Some cops took me to the hospital. I was about five minutes behind him. Never saw him. I’m sure I could have if I’d wanted to, but I didn’t, not after I knew.”

Earnhardt was asked if he finds himself talking to his father, wondering what he’d say. “Not out loud, but I’ll think those things. For instance, I wanted a big old air compressor for the shop in my backyard. He said no, get a small one. Now, with him gone, I’ll make that decision. That’s a petty thing, but I still wonder if I could have talked him into it. Maybe I’ll go through my whole life wondering stuff like that. It might get harder, too. Right now I can recall his demeanor, I can see him. Ten years from now it will be harder to know what he’d want us to do.”

Father, apparently, has stayed close to his son, where in life he was distant and self-involved, leaving two marriages (and Dale). During a road race in Sonoma, California, some four years after Dale Earnhardt’s death, Dale crashed his modified Corvette and it caught fire.

“It was bad,” he told Mike Wallace of “60 Minutes.” “They have sensors in the car. It went from 115 degrees to 750 degrees in a second-and-a-half,” says Earnhardt Jr. “And then the sensor burned out. So, it was probably a lot hotter than that.”

It took him 14 seconds to get out of the car. He suffered second-degree burns on his chin, neck and his legs. “At that moment, you think of everything. You know, you think, ‘I could die here,'” says Earnhardt Jr. “This could be how I go. This would really suck if it’s the way I’m going out.”

Dale claims that his father was there for him. “Yeah, I mean, he would have to be,” he told Wallce. “I think he had a lot to do with me getting out of that car. Absolutely. I don’t know how else to put it. I don’t want to put some weird psycho twist on it, like he was pulling me out or anything, but he had a lot to do with me getting out of that car. From the movement I made to unbuckle my belt, to laying on the stretcher, I have no idea what happened. How I got out.

“I don’t have an explanation for it other than when I got into the infield care center, I had my PR man by the collar, screaming at him to find the guy that pulled me out of the car,” says Dale. “He was like, ‘Nobody helped you get out.’ And I was like, ‘That’s strange, because I swear somebody had me underneath my arms and was carrying me out of the car. I mean, I swear to God.”

“And that was your dad?” Mike Wallace asks.

“Yeah, I don’t know. You tell me,” says Earnhardt Jr. “It freaks me out today just talking about it. It just gives me chills.”

space

space

Crazy, perhaps, but lots of people feel they are being watched over from the Other Side by a parent or spouse or brother or son. As it’s said, death ends a person but not a relationship. A conversation continues. I listen to “He’s Gone Away” and I think of “September 15” and the vast world of the beautiful  I was led to, through that song, both in the recovery of my heart from broken love to many loves to come, and into all music of Bill Evans, whose 1979 Paris concert I’m listening to at this moment.

As I finally come to the ending rounds of this post, I sit here on a wan, not-too-warm Saturday afternoon in spring with all the fragrant world waking. This is the second anniversary of my brother’s last weekend on earth. It was beautiful in Salem, Oregon, that day as he headed out with his camera to take shots of kids playing in the park.

space

Kids playing in a Salem park, April 12, 2008. These were among the last photos found in his camera after. My older brother inherited the camera and has taken back up photography with a passion, claiming it keeps his relationship alive with his brother.

The song “He’s Gone Away” plays richly in my deeper ear, like a net holding my memory of my brother and helping me to see him on that day two years ago today, filling his camera with what beauty he could find, so that he might pour it back to the world.

Oh, he’s gone, he’s gone away,
For to stay a little while;
But he’s comin’ back if he goes ten thousand miles.

Look away, look away, look away over Yandro,
On Yandro’s high hill, where them white doves are flyin’
From bough to bough and a-matin’ with their mates,
So why not me with mine?

For he’s gone, oh he’s gone away
For to stay a little while,
But he’s comin’ back if he goes ten thousand miles.

Every morning when I drive off for my 30-mile commute into Orlando, I say my last goodbye as I’m walking out the door. I’ve already kissed my wife (she’s usually still in be asleep) and told her I love her; I’ve given the cats a last pet on the head; I’ve made sure all the doors are locked when I go out.

And as I walk out, I hear my wife call out: “Drive careful … “

“… Yes,” I call back up. “I’ll be back home soon enough.”

space

Pat Metheny and Charlie Haden perform at the Montreal Jazz Festival in 2005.

space

space

space

space

sp

acxe

xpspace

space

space

space

space

spaspace

space

space

Song links:

“He’s Gone Away” by Charlie Haden and Pat Metheny

“September Fifteenth” featuring Pat Metheny and Lyle Mays (concert video)

“Forgiven” by Chris Botti

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s